One Reason
by elli.nino
Summary: Sequel to 1000 Miles. Thrust unwillingly back together, Katniss and Peeta must learn how to cope in light of tragedy and attempt to salvage their complicated past.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: First of all, a big thank you to everyone messaged me about this sequel. You guys were the encouragement I needed.**

**Feel free to message me with any questions or just for a chat. I'll answer reviews too.**

**This is a multi POV story so it will alternate between Katniss and Peeta. Chapter 2 will be Katniss. **

**Enjoy!  
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_Saturday March 3__rd__ 2016 – State 4_

The elegant script of the sign steals my gaze, the black lettering set into the stone. It is both beautiful and horrible. I glance down at my dress shoes. They shine against the sun. I make my way down the neatly paved path, past the sign, clad in my best suit and tie. The least I can do for my best friend. I bite my thumb, hard, as I think of him. I near the doors and hear the ocean. There's no one around yet, it's too early. The manicured grass is free from being trampled by the many shoes that will appear within the hour. The door opens to a neat parlor, with marbled floors and rich paintings. They divert my attention for a minute. Well, maybe more than a minute. The clack of her heels brings me back to reality.

"Peeta."

"Hey, Annie." I attempt a smile but it feels foreign. So I drop it.

She like me is clad in black. A black dress and black jacket. It neatly hides her nearly non-existent baby bump. Information we'd all been overjoyed with just nearly a week earlier.

"Thanks for coming early."

"Don't mention it. You holding up okay?"

She takes a deep breath. She looks around at the parlor and the room beyond where the service will be held. "It just makes it final, you know?"

I nod. The past few days are a blur. Full of coffee, and telephone calls and crying. I know I'm not ready to say goodbye either.

"It'll get easier." I offer what has been my mantra.

She nods, swallows. "I don't want it to, though."

The doors open then and another familiar face walks in. Johanna Mason. She looks much the same but maybe more subdued today in simple black pants and blouse. Once she's said hello to Annie she turns to me.

"Mellark."

"Mason." I return.

A small smile plays on her lips as she pulls me towards her for a brief hug. "It's been too long."

"Mmm. A year? You look the same."

"You look old."

I laugh and punch her lightly. The playfulness doesn't last long however. Again, we're reminded why we're here among the floral arrangements. Quiet falls upon us.

"I haven't been back here since college." Johanna whispers. I see her eyes stray to the windows, no doubt where the ocean is.

Her statement rings true. None of us have.

"That's why I wanted all of us here early. Like the old days. It's been too long." I look at Annie with a ghost of a smile on her face.

"All of us?" I question.

The door opens again. It creaks just slightly. And in she walks. Katniss Everdeen.

Only it's not.

She hugs Annie and they whisper something to each other. My surprise is misplaced. I don't why I would ever think she would miss this but it has been a sick kind of hope spinning around in my brain today. I hadn't thought the last three years had changed much in us but obviously for Katniss Everdeen it had. She is taller but that may be the heels. Her hair hangs long in curls that I can't tell are real or manufactured. Her makeup is flawless as is her dress. And the biggest change, the number one thing I notice, is that behind the sadness that today has inflicted on her face, there is no trace of a scowl.

This is not Katniss Everdeen.

She turns to Jo, and with much more camaraderie than I expected they exchange words and embrace. She finally turns to me, her soft gray eyes resting on my face. Age old feelings I'd long since put to rest and forgotten well up in my chest. She gives me a smile, one that not even I had been able to draw out of her all those years ago.

"Hi Peeta." Her voice is soft and melodic.

And we stand in a circle reunited under the pretense of death. Sadness is etched onto our faces and I'm sad for many reasons. Finnick's face swirls in my memories. But I'm also sad that it took the death of Finnick Odair to make Katniss Everdeen come home.

000

The guests have arrived in a sea of black. Annie is out the front shaking hands. I should be too. Instead I'm standing in a doorway leading to a side garden, alone. I promised myself I wouldn't cry but my composure is slowly slipping.

"Peeta?"

I don't even look up at Jo. "What?"

"What are you doing out here?"

"I…" I pinch the bridge of my nose and take a deep breath. "I don't know."

I all but ran out of the foyer earlier like a coward. I don't know whether I want to burst into tears or throttle someone. I can tell by Jo's expression that she doesn't quite know either.

"You're not okay with this."

By this, she means Katniss.

I laugh a bitter laugh. "I thought I was! I should be. She left three years ago, what's it matter now?"

"Peeta - "

"I don't know what I'm doing Jo!" I admit, angrily. "I miss him."

A deep sadness settles into Johanna's expression. "Me too, Peeta." She sighs. "Did you really expect her not to come?"

I don't answer. Realistically I knew that she would. It was more that I didn't _want _her to come. I hadn't seen her since that night back in college. A night I'd long since forgotten until today.

"It's going to start soon."

I nod and take another breath. This isn't the time for an outburst. I need to say goodbye.

"Just give me a minute, and I'll be out."

She leaves without another word.

I lean back against the doorframe and close my eyes.

_I can feel the heat of the sun through my closed eyelids. I immediately jerk awake not knowing how I slept so long and soundly. My arms are cold and bare and I begin to panic when I realize Katniss is not in the room. _

_She wouldn't leave without telling you, I remind myself. _

_I hit the first floor landing and nearly fall over my own feet. I grab the stair railing as I call out her name again. No answer. The lounge and kitchen are empty._

"_Katniss, what have you done…."_

_I spring back upstairs and check the bathrooms. Empty. I'm just about on the verge of a panic attack. Did she go out on a run? Did she hurt herself? Did she…? My mind flits to the worst possible scenario before I come back to my senses. No, she's alive. I'd know otherwise. _

_I storm back into her room and my eyes fall on her dresser. I know before I look in it. My hands are unsteady as I open the drawers and I find them mostly empty, only a few items of clothing left behind._

"_Fuck!" I yell and slam the drawer with such force that it buckles and falls off its railing. _

_I stare at it for an impossibly long time until reality begins to set in. She's gone._

_I punch the wall. Once, twice, three times, four times. My knuckle goes through the plaster on the last time and I stare solemnly at the wreckage._

"_She shouldn't be alone," I mutter over and over to myself. She's a mess and not thinking clearly. No one should have to deal with grief like this alone. I tear the room apart, pulling out drawers and hurling pillows to the floor in order to find some semblance of hope. That's when I see it; the folded bit of paper on the mattress. I reach out for it gingerly, unsure of what kind of decision Katniss has made._

_The warmth and the sorrow are undeniable in the words she's scrawled. It's full of so much grief and so much love it almost undoes me. I understand more of Katniss in this letter than I have in a while. She's twisted her world to focus on everything wrong with herself while putting me on a pedestal I most certainly don't deserve. And obviously nothing I've ever told her has sunk in. I wish I hadn't been mad at her the last couple of days. Maybe she shouldn't have left if I'd been more supportive._

_Finnick and Johanna don't take long to find me. I wordlessly hand them the note and they read over it as sadness slowly seeps into their expressions. They look to me with something akin to pity and I can't meet their gaze. _

"_Did you try her cell?" Finnick asks quietly as he and Johanna join me on the floorboards._

"_3 times." I throw my head into my hands. "I shouldn't have gone to sleep. I should have just driven her back last night. I shouldn't have been mad at her - "_

"_Don't do this to yourself, Peeta." Johanna is frowning, her eyes glassy. "It's not your fault, you did more for her than anyone. Let's call around some more and try and get a hold of her. She'll come back to her senses."_

_I nod dumbly and follow Johanna and Finnick around the house. I know eventually she'll come to her senses. I'll just have to wait her out._

I open my eyes again and stare at the garden of the funeral home. I haven't thought about that morning in so long. I remind myself that it doesn't matter, that it was three years ago and I was past it.

I straighten out my suit and tie and re-enter the marble parlour. I try my best to look half-decent on the outside and pretend I'm not screaming on the inside.

000

We line one of the front rows and listen. I've never been to a funeral. And I never thought it would be that of my best man. It goes Johanna, Katniss, Annie and me. We sit together, as one, and it's almost as if the three years weren't between us. Like we were the kids again we'd been when we'd met. Johanna is struggling to hold back tears. Katniss looks heartbroken but she is not crying. She's done these too many times. And Annie…well Annie is not holding on too well. We listen to the minister recite whatever he was asked to recite. I know I am soon expected to rise, stand behind that podium, and give one of the key speeches. And I'm nervous. I don't want to. I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want to let him go.

"Peeta Mellark, will you please come forward."

The wood of the podium is cold underneath my fingers. I leave the speech in my breast pocket.

"I've known Finnick for just short of a lifetime. We weren't always together, or in the same state but we remained close nonetheless. I know this is the case for many of you in this room. And I know we share the love of one of the truly kindest, loyal and funniest men that we have ever known. From this day on, I'm sure he'll remain close to every one of you here today like he has for many years."

I cast my eyes out to the sea of people here to celebrate Finnick's life. It's in no way a small gathering. I clear my throat and immerse the awaiting eyes in an ocean of memories. I talk about Finnick's childhood and how even as a grown man he had not changed. I talk about a teenage Finnick who got us both up to more trouble than good. And I make my way to an adult Finnick who invited me to live with him during college where I met some of my best friends I've ever had. I cast my eyes down to three of them sitting in the front row and imagine we are back in college. I share anecdotes and small moments of humor and I finally touch on how Finnick helped me out of one of the most difficult moments of my life – without going into details – and how he helped me move onto the path that I am now on today. I can sense her eyes on me during that part but I refuse to look her way. I speak the last paragraph I had written in my notes and then the final line.

"Finnick was well loved by each and every one of us and will continue to be even as we move on forward from this day. Thank you Finnick for keeping me together and for always being there for me. I love you, man. I'll miss you."

I take my seat again. Annie smiles and grips my hand.

"That was truly lovely, Peeta."

I smile a little, give her hand a squeeze and return my eyes to the minister. I don't glance at Katniss. The service proceeds. More people get up to speak. Photos appear on the back wall thanks to a projector. More and more tears are shed as we celebrate what a good man Finnick was. And just when I think the service is drawing to a close and that we will move outside and watch Annie spread his ashes at sea, Katniss stands as the minister gestures to her and she makes her way to the stage. I've never once seen her address a crowd so large out of her own free will.

"I've known Finnick for a long time. We met in college thanks to my roommate Johanna." She smiles and locks eyes with Jo. "I'll admit I originally despised him. I convinced myself he was a tool, a flirt, just a typical college boy. But he wasn't. He was so much more than that. He was smart, honest, loyal and hilarious. He taught me a lot of things, he helped me out of some bad times in my life and he pushed me to do things I would never do myself. But there was one thing he could never get me to do. He always begged me when we were at home, or in a karaoke or bar, or anywhere, to sing. He'd heard me sing once but I never really liked to since my own father had died. He always asked me to sing one particular song. I always refused. And I regret that I never did and I regret that I didn't see him nearly as much as I should have over the last few years. So Finnick, this is the last thing I can give you. I'm sorry and I love you. This is for you."

She reaches to a guitar case in the far corner of the room. A guitar I recognize as her father's. She encapsulates every person in the room with her voice. And I never realized how beautiful it was until now, because I'd never actually heard it.

000

I appreciate Annie's thought into the funeral; the bunches of lily's in a rainbow of colors spread around the rooms and the balloon release after his ashes floated out to sea. It's colorful and lively and just like him. He would've liked it. After all, who knew him better than her?

The wake is just as lovely. The typical sandwiches, tea and coffee float around and the air _almost_ has an easiness to it. I find a few faces that, like Katniss, I had not seen for years. Eventually, though, I seek refuge in Jo.

"It's strange isn't it?" She asks as she takes a drag of the cigarette between her fingers. A habit she picked up of recent. We stand out on the front landing, separate but not too separate from the other guests. "How little this place has changed."

I can't deny she's right. The sun is still as hot, the air just as salty. The only thing that's changed is the people, no longer bound together by college.

"When was the last time you saw him?" I ask suddenly.

Her face twists and she takes another drag. "A few months ago." She swallows heavily. "It's hard living far away."

I wrap an arm around her. "Well he talked about you a lot. Always some crude remark."

She laughs and then glances behind her. "Do you even know these people here?"

I frown. Give my head a slight shake. "Well I vaguely recognize a few; Cato, Thresh, Delly, Katniss…yeah that's about it. The rest I have no clue."

She laughs harder and then subdues again. "They've all changed a lot haven't they?"

I have the feeling she's not talking about everyone but a particular brunette. "They are different. Of course they all are. We are. But then again anyone's different when you haven't seen them for years."

"Have you talked to Katniss?"

"No," I pause and conjure up her face in my head. "I don't even know how to."

"Yeah," she nods. "Well, she's going to be around for a while so…"

"Yeah, I know." I sigh and think of the next two weeks we'll all be in State 4. It was the best thing we could give Annie, under the circumstances, but in all honesty it scares me. I let go of this part of my life a long time ago and I'm not sure I want to open it up again.

"It's going to be okay, Peet." She grips my shoulder.

I can't imagine any of this ever being okay, but I nod my head tightly and try to look indifferent. I can survive two weeks. Then everything will go back to the way it was.

She gives me one last look, stubs out the cigarette and heads back inside. "I'll see you later."

I'm reluctant to head in. I notice Jo's pack of cigarettes and lighter lying by the edge of the landing. I look behind me but she's well into the crowd. I think about following her but I'm not really in the mood for college catch-ups or banter anymore. Instead I pocket them and head around the building towards the small outdoor courtyard that lies just before where the sand begins. It's deserted. Perfect. I take a seat in the empty courtyard and stare out at the ocean that Finn loved so much. The anxiety that's been threatening all day takes a hold of my body. My cheeks become wet, my breathing shallows and I struggle to find the silver lining of today. Eventually I fumble for the pack and lighter in my pocket. I'd only smoked once or twice before and it had been with Finn in our teenage years. But I want to find the solace that these sticks create for Johanna.

About four puffs in I feel a little calmer which honestly surprises me. The clack of heels sounds behind me and I wait for Annie to take the chair beside me.

"I didn't know you smoked." Her voice is soft and silky and nothing like Annie's. Katniss carefully takes the seat beside me and I brace myself for our first proper conversation ever since that night in college.

"They're Jo's." I mutter and because I can't think of anything else to say, I ask, "Why are you here?"

"For the same reason you are. I'm escaping the mob." She smirks a little and throws her thumb in the direction of the crowd inside the reception area. "Your speech was really lovely today."

I'm slightly wary of the compliment. "Thank you." I offer the pack towards her. She shakes her head.

"So how are you?" She turns. "You know besides recently."

"I'm alright." I admit. I expect an awkward silence but she fires another question.

"Do you still work with your dad?"

I'm surprised by the word 'still'. Meaning at some point she knew I was working with him.

"No I haven't for two years."

"What do you do?"

I hesitate. "I'm a freelancer. An artist."

Her eyebrows rise. I don't mention that my original change of heart was because of her. That back in college she had once told me to pursue my dreams and not my father's or mother's dreams. That was when I was still moping over the loss of her, anyway.

"That's great. I knew you'd be successful." I wonder what makes her think I'm successful. I could be some bum on the street attempting to sell caricatures. But she smiles and it looks completely genuine. "Girlfriend?"

To my surprise she looks intrigued and that's it. I still hesitate. "Yes." Then I move out of the dangerous zone. "Do you still live in 12?" The answer will be no, I already know that. After all I went there two years ago in search of her.

"I just moved actually."

I find that hard to believe but I don't say so. I nod my head but don't offer anymore words. I am so confused. I have absolutely no idea how I am meant to interact with Katniss Everdeen. Should I be angry? Accepting? Forgiving? Neutral like she seems to be? How do you speak to the woman that broke your heart and abandoned you, at your best friends funeral?

"I just wanted to say I'm happy for you Peeta. I wanted you to know that." Her smile is so easy going I don't recognize it. But she's sincere.

"Are you really asking about me personally or is this just for your own piece of mind?" It isn't the most tactful question but somewhere from inside of me the hurt rises.

She looks sad. "I'm sorry."

"That means nothing now Katniss. We're way past that."

Her jaw tightens. "I know, I just - " she falters. "No matter what you might think – and I don't blame you for thinking it. But no matter what you probably think about me I still care a lot about you Peeta. And I just wanted to know that you're okay and that you are happy. Because I never gave that to you."

There are no tears in her eyes, or a heartbroken expression. She just looks regretful. And it makes me wonder whether this newly put together Katniss has finally found her own happiness. I hope she has because obviously we weren't made to be together. Before I can respond she rises.

"I'll see you later, Peeta."

I watch her go and I don't know what I'm feeling. I knew what I felt when Finnick left and his ashes floated out to sea. But I don't know what I think of Katniss Everdeen because I've spent so long pushing her out of my memory.

000

"They're all gone. The cleaners will move in soon." I tell Annie.

She nods and stares out at the ocean, the sand encasing her toes. She's holding a flower that's been stolen from one of the vases.

"I guess it's time to go." I barely catch the whisper of the statement.

"We can stay a bit longer if you want."

She meets my eyes. "No. It's time."

Her fingers entwine in mine as I walk her to the car. It's friendly and helps keep the fear at bay as I turn over the engine. I've barely driven since the accident.

Annie's childhood home is on the edge of the ocean. It's where we'll spend the next two weeks. The other two cars are already lined neatly in the drive.

The living room is nice, with soft carpets and well used couches. The other two are already here. I once again find my place next to Jo and I hand her the cigarettes and lighter from my jacket.

"You legend, Mellark."

I get handed something to. A glass half full of amber liquid from Katniss. I look around and we all have one. I give a nod in thanks.

"Thanks for doing this guys." Annie croaks from the rocker in the corner. Her voice is hoarse from crying the whole car ride over.

"We wouldn't be anywhere else." The sentiment strangely comes from Katniss. She looks tired with a slight frizz to the curls. The makeup no longer covers the circles under her eyes. As bad as she looks I imagine I look worse. I loosen my tie and take off the jacket, roll up my sleeves and unbutton the collar. The amber liquid burns and it's the best idea of today.

My eyes trail upward to the second story of the house. I wonder what the arrangements are. But Annie starts before I can ask. "This is a copy of his will. He last wrote it when we got married."

I remember the wedding clearly. It was a year and a half ago in the summer. I stood next to Finnick as a beautiful Annie walked down the aisle and he looked absolutely petrified. But his smile afterwards was beyond anything I had ever seen. I remember dancing with a progressively drunk Jo and I distinctly remember the absence of one particular person.

"We don't have to do this now, Annie." Johanna says kindly as she looks at Annie's face warily.

"No, I want to get it over with. Then tomorrow there's nothing left to do." No one argues with her. "Since he had no direct family left he split everything between the four of us. "

I scan the white piece of paper. All the money and main assets are obviously going towards Annie and ostensibly the baby. I look for my name and smile at what I read. He's given me memorabilia from a lifetime, things to remember our childhood, adolescence and adult life together. A small sum of money is also part of the deal for "publishing" he's written. The deal is similar for both Katniss and Jo.

There's a collective silence around the room as we all take in what we have left of Finnick. And it's not enough. It's not even close. I down half of the alcohol in one gulp and let it burn. When I look up there are eyes on me and they are gray. I wonder what she's feeling because I can no longer read her face. And more than anything I'm dying to ask Finnick his opinion and why she's even in that will.

"God dammit, Finnick." I hear Jo mumble and she, like me downs the alcohol. I take another swig and follow her gaze out the window. I've never decided whether I believe in the afterlife or not. I don't know where spirits go, if they go anywhere. But for the first time I hope that there is an afterlife and that Finnick is out there watching us.

"He would've liked this." Annie's looking pensive.

"Liked what?" Katniss asks.

"Us being all together again. He missed you two," she tells Jo and Katniss, "with you guys being away."

It's a benign statement but the guilt on the girls' faces is undeniable. Jo sighs and stares back out the window. But Katniss crumples and I'm shocked to see her composure slip. Annie vacates the rocker and holds the girl in her arms. In a short moment she gathers herself again. A deep breath steadies her and then she raises the tumbler. "To Finnick."

"To Finnick."

I watch the trees sway in the breeze. The bottle is passed around for a second time and our glasses are once again filled.

There's not a lot of talking. I want it to feel like it was 3 years ago. We all want it to feel like that. But the truth is it's not. One of us is gone and one of us is a stranger. Time has separated us.

I stare at Katniss and wonder who she is now. What she does, what she's like. And it's a strange feeling to not recognize someone you once loved, someone you thought you knew inside and out.

"Whatever happened to our house?" The question falls from my lips suddenly.

Katniss look up, surprised. "Some other college kids are renting it now."

I think of the other kids. People making friends, falling in love, hearts being broken. Being back here again it doesn't feel all that long ago that we moved out.

_Cardboard boxes are everywhere. I've never actually seen the house unfurnished until now. It seems a lot bigger and a lot less friendly. Johanna and Finn are squabbling over how to pack her things into her car on the driveway. Eventually she loses it and sends him inside and back to me._

"_Women." Finnick rolls his eyes. _

_I pull my phone from my pocket and check it. It's a sad habit I've picked up. Finnick notices but doesn't say anything. He won't ever, I think._

_He hands me a beer from our dwindling supply in the refrigerator and we sit on the island counter because all the rooms are empty. It's exactly how I feel; empty. I look around at our house and it doesn't look the same. When Katniss left she took all the warmth out of it. _

_It has been a lot quieter for the past few weeks. I understand to an extent why she won't reply to my calls or messages but not to Jo and Finn's. All we've heard is silence. She could be dead for all we know. _

"_Is Jo nearly done?"_

_Finnick nods and takes a swig. "We can start unpacking at the new place soon."_

_It took a lot of convincing on Finnick's part to get me to agree to move to our new two bedroom. I kept imagining Katniss coming home and finding this place vacant and I wanted her to know we hadn't abandoned her. Eventually logic caught up to me and I accepted that our lease expired and we needed a different place. If she's going to do it, she'll find us there. Because one thing I know for sure is that Katniss doesn't give up. I know she'll come back when she's better and we can fix this mess. _

_My phone vibrates and I hate the wave of relief that turns to anger as I only read Rye's name. Things are less intense for the Mellark's with the court case ending last week. But I didn't get to celebrate; not the way I wanted to anyway. I type back a quick reply._

_The front door bangs and Jo yells, "Done! Without your help Finnick!"_

_We sigh and get off the counter. Outside, her car is packed to the brim. _

"_Jesus, will that thing even drive?" Finnick smirks._

"_It'll be fine!" Jo grumbles. She checks her watch. "I need to get going."_

_I can tell she's just as reluctant as we are to leave. After this year it feels strange to be splitting up. But I guess Katniss took that first step for us and Jo's just following suit. After all, we have to step into the real world and Johanna's found a job in 5. _

"_Call us tonight, alright?" I tell her as I hug her._

"_Don't crash." That is Finnick's sentiment. I roll my eyes._

_Jo frowns and glances at the car._

"_We'll see you soon Jo." I tell her, as she hesitates. "This isn't goodbye."_

"_Yeah." She smiles softly. _

"_We'll talk later."_

_We watch her car rumble away._

"_Let's go Peet."_

_I sigh as I look over the house one last time and remove its final items. You can't even tell what has happened this past year; the love, friendship, parties, drama and inevitable heartbreak…all of that's erased. I stand in my doorway for the last time. She hadn't taken all her things when she left which led me to believe it was an impulse. Instead I have it packed away and already in the car._

_I'm upset because we're moving on to our next chapter in the worst way possible, in a way that was not meant to happen at all. But I'm not entirely hopeless because I still have Finnick with me, Jo's going to call and it may take more time but I know eventually Katniss will reach out again. The world will fall into its place._

_I check my phone another time._

"Peeta?"

I jerk back to reality. Damn. They look at me strangely and I pretend like I hadn't just zoned out. Annie says something else but I'm still slightly distracted. She looks at me expectantly.

"Yeah." I pull off a grin. I have no clue what I'm agreeing to.

Suddenly they all stand so I blindly follow suit. We pick up our bags we left at the front door and ascend the stairs. The girls start turning off into closed doorways. Shit, I missed Annie's explain the arrangements.

"Second door on your right." Katniss whispers so closely behind me that I jump. Get a grip, I tell myself.

I walk into the bedroom like I should've known all along. There's a single bed, a desk and a wardrobe. I drop the bag at the foot of the bed and listen to the others in the adjacent rooms.

Annie pokes her head in the doorway. "This alright?"

"It's fine. Thanks."

"Are you okay, Peeta?"

I shake my head. "Are you?"

I see it in her eyes before she pulls me towards her and buries her face in my shoulder. I hug her back tightly. For the next two weeks Annie's the closest thing I have to home.

000

The night brings restlessness but not sleep. My body feels tired beyond belief but my mind won't rest. It's past three when I give up and let the night air assault my skin. The beauty of State 4 is its peacefulness. Well, when the college kids aren't throwing parties. The Capitol doesn't have the same sense of reprieve that the night air brings here. I find my feet wandering down the street as I relish my long lost sanctuary. I have no target or goal. But as I walk further and further into town I begin to recognize the streets. I cast a cursory glance at the street where Finnick and I spent the year after college. I don't stop for it. And I know if I went maybe fifteen minutes further I'd find the courthouse where we won the case. If I kept going east I'd find the Strip. Eventually though I end up in one particular street, in front of one particular house that I'd been thinking about non-stop since I came here. Like the rest of State 4 it looks the same as in my memories. It's large and white with the unique green door and brass knocker.

It's all at the forefront of my mind now. The years in the Capitol had shielded me from it but tonight it is a different story. I imagine Katniss, weighed down by grief running to her car and escaping State 4. I imagine the tires squealing on the asphalt while I slept. I don't know whether it was night or day when she'd left. Like usual I'd been too late.

I sigh and move away from the house. There is no need to torture myself further tonight. I wish I'd known back then that she wouldn't come back. Or that it'd take more than just my love to pull her back in. If I'd known then, I would have given up sooner. I grimace. I remember the pathetic and zombie like state I'd been in for the entire time we'd stayed in State 4. And for what? Nothing. Just bad memories.

It seems to be approaching dawn when I return. And I'm not alone.

"Why are you up?"

Katniss meets my gaze and I still don't recognise her expressions. Aesthetically she looks more like the girl I remember. The curls and makeup are gone and replaced by dark circles and a braid. I still don't know what to feel around her but I don't much have choice in the matter.

"Bad dream." She mutters. "Where have you been?"

I shrug. "Around. I couldn't sleep."

I eye the porch around her. Do I sit? When our eyes lock I find myself taking the place next to her. I curse her for the pull she still seems to have on me. But it's not the same feelings I had in college. It's a need for…something. Closure?

She offers me her mug of tea in silence.

"I went to our old house." I admit quietly and take a sip. I stare down at the wood pointedly. "I didn't even mean to. My feet just took me there. Do you ever think about it?" It's a question I've been dying to ask but frightened for the answer.

"All the time." She says wistfully.

I squint my eyes shut for a moment and the next question tumbles from me quickly. "Do you regret it?" I keep my head low not knowing her answer. She knows what I'm asking. She waits until I look up, until I meet her level gaze.

"No."

Even after all this time the answer still hurts. It shouldn't. I've long since moved on, put these memories to rest. But in the night and in State 4 it's different. I don't get the closure I'm searching for.

"I want to explain it to you, Peeta." She says with such intensity I believe her. "I really do, but not right now."

I frown, but like usual she's unwilling to bend to my rules. I guess one thing has stayed the same.

"It doesn't matter anymore." I tell her shortly. "Nothing really matters anymore."

"Peeta -"

"What? It doesn't!" I snap immediately. I can make sense of one feeling; anger. And Katniss is as good an outlet as any. "He's dead Katniss! I trusted him more than I did my own family and he's gone! I don't know what the fuck to do. And being back here was meant to be calm, reviving," I look to her, "but I _hate _it here now. I hate it. I hate the memories and I hate -"

I know she senses the accusation in my words. I don't realize I'm crying until she brushes my cheek tenderly with her fingertips. I shy away from her touch.

"Don't." I mutter.

"You're not alone in this, Peeta." She tells me quietly.

"You're right," I laugh bitterly, "I have Johanna and Annie. But what the hell are you doing here?" It's petty, low and downright awful but I don't have the capacity to reign in my anger with her anymore.

Her eyes tear up and she's about to say something but I beat her to the mark. "You haven't been here for anything, Katniss! We haven't heard from you in three years and then you come to sing a song at his funeral? Where were you when they got married? Where were you when they announced Annie was pregnant? Where were you when we got the call from the hospital? Where were you when we turned off his life support?"

I'm screaming at that point and I've overstepped my boundaries.

"Fuck you, Peeta. Just because I fucked things up between us doesn't mean the same goes for everyone else! You don't know what I've been doing! You don't what Finnick was doing. So don't fucking treat me like I don't give a shit!"

There's nothing left to say at that point and we both stare, red faced and in tears at each other. She's the first one to break. She turns and opens the door.

"This isn't the way I remember you." She tells me before tucking the door quietly against the frame.

I think of how I remember her; in ripped jeans and a braid. How in love we'd been.

"What happened?"

My question falls on silent ears.

* * *

**A/N: So as you probably guessed, you'll learn what happened after 1000 Miles gradually throughout the story. Next chapter is Katniss' side of the story.**

**Thanks for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

_Sunday March 4__th__ 2016 – State 4_

The fire in me burns out just as quickly as it came when I close the front door softly, sealing the distance between both me and Peeta. I lean my head back against the door and close my eyes. This isn't how it was supposed to go.

"What happened?" The question is so quiet yet so close I startle, my eyes flying open. It came from the other side of the door.

I groan quietly and slide my back down the door until my ass reaches the floor. I rest my forehead on my knees and try to suck in my tears.

"I don't know." I whisper, but I know he won't hear it. He won't hear anything I say even if I'm standing right in front of him. It's a lie anyway. I know what happened. My life got fucked and in turn I fucked up his. And by the time I got it together I was too late.

I want to tell him everything. I want nothing more than to run out to him and spill my whole story. But he's not going to listen and it would take far more time than we have this morning.

I press the heels of my hands hard into my eye sockets. Finnick said he'd help me, that it'd just take some time.

_But Finnick's dead, _the small voice inside me says.

Hot tears spill from my eyes and onto my cheeks. I take a deep breath and attempt calm but it only makes it worse. In no time at all I'm a shaking mess against the door. But I don't make a sound. I can't let Peeta hear me.

I refrain from my old habit of digging my nails into my arm, preserving my now unmarked skin. Dr Aurelius' old words of advice float around in my head. I go through a few coping strategies he taught me. But it does little to hide the enormous amount of loss I've experienced today. Eventually I tire and I feel the fingers of sleep threatening to pull me under. I take one last look at the stairs in front of me before I fall into unconsciousness.

_It takes a week for Haymitch to corner me. I'm honestly surprised he hadn't sooner. He didn't question me when I arrived a week earlier, tear stricken and half crazed after driving halfway across the country. He didn't question me when I didn't get out of bed the next morning. Or when I refused to explain what happened back in State 4. I'm sure he guessed half of it by now anyway. So I'm surprised when today he stands in front of the window I've been staring out of and shoves my iPhone in my face._

"_I was hoping you would have tied loose ends when you left State 4. But judging by your phone it seems you haven't."_

_I don't answer. I pretend I'm still staring out the window and that Haymitch's torso isn't blocking the view. _

"_In one week you have…43 text messages and 21 missed calls from….let's see….you're boss, Johanna, Finnick, Annie and last but not least the boy. And they're all ranging from "call us back" to "hope you're okay" to "are you dead, Katniss?""_

_I glare at him but still refuse to answer._

"_The funeral is in two days Katniss. They would want to be there. And I know somewhere inside of you, you want them to be there too."_

_He places the phone in my lap and vacates the view of the window. I stare at my phone for an impossibly long time. Do I want them to be there? _

_I don't know. I don't know much anymore. I do know that I would like to sink down in my bed and never wake up again. Ever since Mom died I've wondered whether there's more peace where she is. Yeah, I've wondered that a lot. And that's exactly why Haymitch called Dr Aurelius. _

_My fingers twitch for the phone and I read a few texts but steer clear of Peeta's. I want to text back, I even open up a new message but all that happens is I throw my phone into the corner of the room._

_I've messed up. And I don't know how to fix it._

"_You're hurting them by doing this, you know."_

_I nearly jump out of my skin. I turn to find that Haymtich ha__s__n't left the room at all. That he'__s __been watching me only about 5 feet away and __I've__ been completely __oblivious__._

_Get it together, I tell myself._

"_I hurt them long before I came here, Haymitch." My voice is gravelly from misuse and crying but I get the message across okay._

_He stares at me with such intensity I squirm in my seat. "If you're not going to deal with this than I will."_

_I don't know__ what__ he means but I don't exactly care. I know he won't. Haymitch is always full of empty threats. _

"_You're hurting her."_

_His index finger points to the floor above where my little sister resides. The young girl I'd spent my life trying to protect._

_I sigh and think of my blonde headed sister, who's too young , too gentle. I can't let her lose me too. "I'll try harder tomorrow." I promise._

"Katniss!"

I jolt awake and scan the room, realizing I'm not at Haymitch's. Instead I'm looking into the eyes of Johanna. I have to squint, my eyes are dry and puffy. "You look like shit. What the hell are you doing?"

"Nothing." I glare at her and quickly spring to my feet, trying to rid the old memory from my mind. I dust my pants off and shake out my hair. "What time is it?"

"Eight." She stares at me like I've lost my mind. "Why were you sleeping against the door?"

"It was comfortable." I deadpan then brush past her and start up the stairs.

"Katniss!"

"Yes?"

"Are you going to tell me or am I going to have to guess?"

"I'm going to…take a shower."

I reach the top step and am just metres from the bathroom when she finally responds and stops me in my tracks. "Where's Peeta?"

I freeze with my hand on the railing and stare straight at the wall ahead of me. "What do you mean?"

"He's not here."

Oh, god. Where the hell is he? My mind flits through a magnitude of different scenarios, each one getting more and more horrible until I fully remember what happened last night.

If I fell asleep against the door, then he…

"Did you check the porch?"

I wait until she opens the front door and I see her face light up in recognition before I retreat to the bathroom and lock the door. I take a few deep breaths with my face in my hands.

The dreams are never easy. They've come and gone over the years but they've never really stopped.

_Get it together, _I tell myself.

The hot water pipes rattle as I turn on the shower. I run it to a scolding temperature like I always do. Peeta always hated that.

_Stop it. _

I reach for my toiletry bag but I catch the edge and it tumbles to the floor. I sigh. Some things don't change. I get down to my knees to collect the scattered contents. My fingers pause on a small pill bottle I'd forgotten was in there. I roll it between my fingers, examining the label. Anti-depressants. I hadn't needed them in a year. I shake my head and chuck them back into the bag with everything else until I'm left with just my soap and razor. As I begin to wash myself under the stream of hot water I try not to dwell on last night's conversation with Peeta. But of course that's all I'm thinking about. His accusations weren't unfair. I try to pretend that they didn't hurt me. Again, that's a lie. Try all I want, but the truth is the man I love – or used to love? – hates me and there's not so much I can do about it. I barely even recognise the man down there and I'm at a total loss of how to even begin to address the situation. I sigh heavily, and step out of the shower.

I search my suitcase in my bedroom being reminded that Prim revamped my closets a while ago. I finally settle on skinny jeans and a long tank that look comfortable at least. I'm busy tying my hair in a messy bun while simultaneously trying not to fall down the stairs that I don't register the conversation in the kitchen until I'm halfway across the lounge.

"Where's your fiancé? I'd figured she'd be here."

"She's not my fiancé, Jo." Peeta seems aggravated.

I stop in my tracks unsure if I should just wander back up the stairs. They begin talking again before I can decide.

"You have a ring don't you?"

I can hear him groan. "A _secret_ ring. Finnick helped me pick it out. Well, he actually picked it out. Cost me a mint."

"What?" Jo sounds surprised.

"What?" Peeta sounds defensive. "He was good at all that romantic stuff. He knew her pretty well. Why is that so weird?"

"No reason." I narrow my eyes at Johanna. "But you still didn't answer my question. Where is she?"

I can hear the agitation in his sigh. "She's overseas."

"What?"

He huffs again. "She's doing photography, trying to get into National Geographic."

"She didn't offer to come back?" Johanna ventures. I'm not sure why she's pressing the subject so hard but I'm intrigued.

I hear a chair scrape and heavy footfalls. "I told her not to. It's pointless." Plates clatter in the sink. "I'm going to take a shower."

Shit. I'm standing dead centre in the living room where the kitchen opens to. I turn to dart back upstairs but my foot snags a lone cord and a lamp goes tumbling to the ground. I cringe and try to pick it up and still make my escape. By the time I turn around Peeta and Jo are staring at me in the doorway.

Ah fuck.

"Morning!" I greet them, maybe a little manically, and wave at them with the lamp.

I watch as Peeta stares at me and then just walks away.

I sigh. Yeah, that's how I thought it was going to go.

I follow Jo to the dining table and pick at her unfinished bowl of fruit salad dejectedly. She waits until the sound of Peeta's footsteps retreat to the second level to talk to me. "You heard all that?"

"I heard all about the fiancé." I try to tell her around my mouthful of berries.

"You okay?"

I shrug. "Why wouldn't I be?"

Jo picks up a strawberry with her fingers and places it into her mouth. "I heard about your little tiff last night that you didn't want to admit."

I glare at her and use the fork to snatch the bit of pineapple she was about to grab. She protests only for a second.

"Finnick never got the chance to tell him about everything, Jo." I say.

Her short hair shakes when she nods her head. "Yeah, I know. You should tell him."

I look at her incredulously. "What good would that do?"

"Well it would make you seem less of a mega bitch." She says as she contemplates.

I snort and swallow another mouthful of fruit. "No."

She shrugs. "You're call." She finally swipes the bowl into her possession, placing it in her lap. "Oh, don't look so sad, it's mine."

I roll my eyes and walk towards the door.

"He'll ask eventually, you know."

"Yeah, I know." I say. But I'm already halfway across the living room. She probably doesn't even hear it.

000

At about eleven I quietly knock on Annie's door and enter the master bedroom in hopes of getting her up for the day. I expect her to be swathed in a nest of blankets, shutting out the rest of the world. I expected this because that was how I dealt with grief. Instead she's dressed and sitting quietly on the window seat, looking out at the large backyard.

"Annie?"

I startle her slightly but she motions for me to enter. I shut the door softly behind me.

"We have food downstairs." I tell her as I sit on the plush cushions at the window. I can hear the sound of Peeta making lunch even from up here. She nods but doesn't avert her eyes from the window.

"I don't what I'm supposed to do." I nearly miss it, her voice is so quiet.

"What do you mean?"

She shrugs and I watch her eyes glaze over. "I organized the funeral. I did his will. But now…what do I do? Just sit here and mourn him? I'm confused, Katniss."

I take a deep breath and try to word my answer carefully. I know what she's going through. But the difference between us is that she actually _wants _to have meaning. I never did. "You just keep going." I tell her simply. "You come downstairs and have breakfast…lunch, whatever. You take your vitamins. Then we go to the beach or watch a movie. It doesn't matter. You just have to keep going. Don't give up."

Her head bobs up and down slowly as she contemplates what I told her. "What happens if you give up?"

I swallow thickly. "You lose. You lose it all. And that's ten times worse than feeling like this right now. Trust me."

She's silent for a long time, staring out the window. I follow her gaze and watch a mother bird fly to its babies in a nest. Just when I think she won't utter any more words she says, "You have to forgive yourself for what happened after college, Katniss."

I go completely still, that being the last thing I expected to come from her mouth.

I mull it over. I've…come to terms with it. I've gotten past it. But forgiven myself? "I think I'm getting closer." I admit, finally.

"If Peeta forgave you would forgive yourself?"

I don't want to entertain that idea so I shoot it down quickly. "That's not going to happen. He hates me."

"He doesn't hate - "

"Yes he does." I tell her evenly. "It's okay."

She looks inexplicably sad by my reservation. "He needs time, Katniss."

I almost smile. "That's exactly what Finnick said. But time for what, Annie? We're not anything to each other anymore. He's getting married. Finnick helped Peeta buy the ring. Did you know that?"

She nods sadly. "Yeah."

"We're clearly done romantically and I don't think we can be friends. I don't know what Finnick was trying to tell me."

She sighs but her eyes are no longer focused on me. She opens her mouth to say something but no words come out.

Not wanting to push the topic, I blurt out the question that's been bothering me since early this morning. "Is she nice?"

"Who? Peeta's girlfriend?"

I nod.

Annie chews the inside of her cheek and glances out the window again. "Yeah, she's really lovely."

I didn't expect anything less. "Good. As long as he's happy."

"Are you okay that his happiness is not with you?"

I'd been asked a similar question before. I don't even think before I reply.

"Yeah, of course."

000

Lunch is…tense? Or maybe I'm imagining it. Peeta and I sit at the opposite ends of the table as far from each other as humanly possible. Johanna and Annie seem at ease, though. The bright side is the food is amazing so I don't have to worry about too much conversation as I continuously shovel it into my mouth. Johanna takes it upon herself to use my suggestion of going to the beach. No one disagrees.

We end up on the deserted part of the Strip that's a mix of sand and stones. I know all of us, including Finnick, have come here one way or another to just get away from everything. Although the waves are choppy and with the collection of rocks it's not swimmable, it's still everyone's first place of choice. We sit quietly in a loose row on the sand. Waves roll in and out in their own rhythm. You can't hear the sounds of the town from here. The volleyball courts and beach bars are just specks in the distance. I watch a yacht cruise across the ocean, gently rippling further and further away from the land. I wonder if that is what it's like when you die. Just endlessly floating along wherever the current takes you.

"We don't have beaches in Five." Johanna mutters quietly staring out at the ocean.

"Neither did Eleven." I answer still watching the ever shrinking yacht.

"I didn't realize how much I missed it until I came back here."

"I don't think any of us did." Annie says. I look over at her. "Even Finnick hadn't been to the beach in a long time. I was going to tell him we should make a trip back here before…" Her voice cracks and trails off. Peeta places an arm around her.

_Finnick, where are you?_ I think. Above us in the clouds? Next to us on the spirit plane? No, I know where he is. I watched him be scattered out to sea. His body anyway. It's hard to imagine any other part of him being left over. I've always been sceptical of spirits. I don't think he's living in some other dimension, torturously close but not quite close enough to us. I don't think the breeze or a chirping bird is communication from him to us. His spirit is in our memories.

I have a million memories of Finnick. From early in college spanning just weeks before the accident. But now I only wish I had more. I think of all the times I missed; from simple things like when I didn't go to a party or volleyball game, to the more complicated like what happened after college.

I took him for granted. I realized this a while ago. Friends like Finnick are few and far between. He never gave up on me, even after I cut everyone out of my life.

_I'm nervous when I hear the knocking on the door. I know who it is but it still makes me nervous. Deep breath. Hand on the doorknob. Twist._

_He stands there smiling as brightly as I remember. He looks exactly the same. I don't know why I imagined he would look different. _

"_Hey, girl."_

_He's waiting for my response. I bite my lip for a second and then smile nearly as brightly as he did. "Hey, Finn."_

_He nearly crushes me in a hug. I rest my head against his shoulder and breath in his scent. "I missed you." I tell him. I try to steady my voice despite the ache in my throat._

_I can feel the vibrations through his chest as he chuckles quietly. "Oh, I missed you Kat."_

_Texts and telephone calls only go so far. I know I missed him. But I didn't understand the extent of it until this moment when I have him here in front of me. I know my eyes are turning glassy and I'm glad my face is against his shoulder._

_We finally pull away and I know he's really looking at me for the first time in nearly a year. _

"_You look good." He finally tells me._

_I don't really know what to say. I don't exactly feel good. I feel okay…but not good. I think of the bottles of pills in the bathroom or the monthly doctor's appointments I still keep. Instead of answering I step away from the doorway so he can enter the apartment. He follows me to the couch, his eyes roaming over the room. I stop in the centre of the rug and cross my arms. _

"_You look confused." _

_He shakes his head. "No…just getting used to this. So what's State 11 like? I had only a very brief glimpse from my taxi ride over."_

_I think about that for a minute. "It's nice. Nicer than 12, actually. And I'm only about an hour away from Prim and Haymitch and about 20 minutes to work."_

"_Ah, the new job." He smiles. "What is it again?"_

"_You know United? The relief organisation." _

"_Isn't that based in the Capitol?"_

"_They have offices everywhere. I joined the legal team here."_

_The conversation flows easily from there. I make tea and we catch up for hours with every bit of information we can collectively think of. Only one topic is off limits. It's an unspoken rule. Well at least I think it is until Finnick says, "Were you in 12, about a month ago?"_

"_I…would've just moved here. Why?" I frown. _

_He doesn't answer straight away. He fiddles with the mug in his hand for what seems an impossible amount of time. _

"_I'm not meant to tell you this but…" He looks into my eyes and the next words come out in a rush. "Peeta came to State 12 looking for you."_

_I stare at him blankly for a really long time as panic slowly creeps into my body. This isn't how it was supposed to go. I pinch the bridge of my nose and try to calmly think about this._

"_What happened?"_

"_Haymitch sent him away. Said you'd gone."_

"_Did he tell him where?" Finnick shakes his head. _

_It's physically painful to know Peeta's still hurting, to know that he's still pursuing something that can never happen. I can't give him what he wants and I thought he'd realize that by now. "Finnick, please help him move on," I plead._

_He looks guilty for a second, for whatever reason I have no idea. "I'm trying. We're moving to the Capitol in a few weeks."_

"_Really?"_

"_Yeah, I'm sick of doing this long distance shit with Annie and I think it'll be good for Peeta. He won't admit it but he doesn't like working for the family business anymore." _

"_Is he…okay, at least?" I ask hesitantly. _

_I watch as Finnick's face hardens just slightly, almost imperceptibly. "Would you be?"_

"_Doesn't he hate me by now?" He must, it's been nearly a year._

_Finnick looks sad. "No, far from it. But if you leave it any longer he will."_

_An idea suddenly dawns on me. "Did you come here to see if I would come back?" It makes sense to me. This is a last ditch effort to get through to me before Peeta completely moves on and erases me from his life. _

"_No!" His widens and he waves his hands back and forth in front of him. "I came here to see _you_."_

"_I can't go back Finnick," I tell him as I nearly hyperventilate. "I've just got myself together here. All I do is go to work, eat, sleep and see my family. I don't even know anyone here! I can't handle anything else."_

"_I know, I know." He says, trying to calm me. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have said anything._

"_He deserves more than me, Finnick. It's better if he just moves on."_

_He gives me a look as if to tell me I'm wrong but he never actually says it._

He never told me I was wrong but I always knew he thought it. He was closest to it that day because later it became futile; Peeta had a girlfriend and finally transitioned to hate me. I wonder vaguely if it's the same girl Johanna let slip a long time ago. I suppose it would be, if they're getting married.

I sigh and continue to stare out at the ocean. Peeta asked me last night if I regretted leaving. And I told him no, which is true. What I regret - and can't seem to explain to Peeta - is that our relationship coincided with my own mental breakdown. I don't quite know how to make him believe that I loved him too much and still left for my own sake.

I watch the sun begin to descend ever so slightly and silently wish I'd met Peeta three years later.

000

Part of my therapy has always been exercise. Dr Aurelius suggested it when I first started seeing him and now it's an ingrained part of my routine. I have to admit it works surprisingly well.

By now it's already dark outside the house but I can feel the restlessness humming in my veins. I need to get out. I lace my runners tightly, double knotting them, and trail lightly down the stairs.

The nights in State 4 are always the best. It's still warm but the scorch of the sun is gone and the stars light up the sky. I take off north, towards the centre of town, starting off on a light jog. I still know the streets like the back of my hand. My mind wanders, as it tends to do when I run, and I get out all my aggression from today by pushing my legs harder. I recognise many of the smaller details that whiz past me; a mailbox, a streetlight, and as I get further in, the cafes and eventually the bars.

I can hear music coming from somewhere on the Strip and I can make out the light glow of a bonfire on the sand. I roll my eyes at the fact that it's Sunday and the kids are still out there, probably since Friday.

_Ugh, I'm getting old. _

I jump, and my pace stutters, when a car zooms past with guys hanging out of the windows wolf whistling. I have half the mind to yell something back at them but my breath is already labouring and I don't want to waste my energy.

I take a left and up the pace again. I'm getting further to the city centre and begin dodging other pedestrians. It only takes another half hour for the pain in my body to stop being enjoyable and start to feel like I'm dying. I give in. I brace my hands on my legs and get in a few deep breaths until I can stop feeling my pulse through my face. When I straighten up I realize where I've run. The city square. To be more exact, looming just in the distance is the courthouse. I stare at it for a long moment. Then I'm walking towards it, watching it grow in my vision. I'm on the marble steps before I've even gotten a hold of my thoughts.

It comes back to me all at once; the hours I'd spent cooped up in a cubicle, and later an office, with Annie at the firm. Reviewing case notes, creating fake interviews, finding evidence, all to end up here. In the courthouse.

But I didn't make it.

I stare at the heavy wooden doors. I imagine the Mellark family and Cinna walking through it. I imagine all the lawyers arguing for weeks, trying to convince the jury that their side is right. I imagine Peeta in a suit and tie sitting on the stand.

I don't know what I was doing when all that happened. I don't know what Peeta was going through while the case ran. I don't know what the texts and voicemails on my phone were.

_God, I'm a bitch._

I don't even know if my efforts made a difference in the end. I was so far gone for most of that year that I can't even recall hearing a single news report on the outcome of the trial. I could've googled it, I could've asked Johanna or Finnick. Truth is, if they lost it, I don't want to know.

A gust of wind breaks my trance. I shield my eyes from the mix of sand and dirt that hits my face. My eyes water but they were already wet. It's a few seconds before I can look up again. I take one last look at the courthouse and run.

My pace is just as aggressive despite my depleting supply of energy. I take a few backstreets to avoid knocking anyone over in my haste.

However, I lose steam quickly. It doesn't take long for the light headedness and the muscle cramps to set in. I push through it all, well aware I'll feel it tomorrow morning. But I don't really care.

I'm not in a good shape when I finally stand in front of the house. I'm angry at myself and just about everything else and I can barely stand up straight. I fling the door open, a little loudly, and stomp into the threshold. I'm on such an intense mission to find water that I walk straight into Peeta.

His expression is strange for a second, like he'll yell at me. Then actually looks at me.

"Are you okay?" He says it as almost a reflex.

Those three words burn in my ears. I stomp past him and to the fridge and scull the first bottle of water I can find. I lean my head against the fridge door and finally catch my breath.

"Fine." I mutter but I can hear my own voice shake.

I hate the expression on his face because for the first time in 48 hours I recognise it. He looks familiar. And it brings me back to three years ago, exactly where I'm stuck and exactly where I don't want to be.

"Katniss - "

"Don't." I hiss.

"Don't what?" He counters, arms crossed.

This should be when I stop. When I calm myself down and stop my thoughts from spiralling out of control like they have been for the past hour.

But of course I don't.

"Don't pretend to care!" I spit at him. "I don't blame you that you hate me. I wanted you to hate me! Just - "I shove the fridge in front of me like that's the real problem. And I immediately lose the words that were about to spill from my mouth.

The room is silent aside from the whirring of the fridge. I can feel him watching me as I slowly begin to unravel. I can't get the images of the courthouse out of my head.

"If I asked you something would you answer it?" I test, still staring at the fridge.

I wait for what has to be a full minute and when he still doesn't answer I finally look at his face. He's waiting.

"Do you know how you said last night, your feet just took you back to our old house? Well, the same thing kind of happened to me tonight but I ended up at the court house." I say slowly, watching his reaction. His face might as well be made of stone. I take a deep breath and ask the question I've kept locked up for so long. "Did you at least win the case, Peeta?"

Any shred of compassion that was still on his face is gone in an instant. "How do you not know that?" He asks in a low tone.

Answer: I never looked.

But he doesn't tell me. He walks out of the room and I'm left in the state of oblivion that I was so scared to break free of in the first place.

000

I watch the numbers of the digital clock flick over one more time. 11:58. The day's nearly over. I'm sitting Indian style on my bed formulating a response to a text from Prim. I hate the fact that I still need to assure Prim and Haymitch I'm alright, even now. But I can't really blame them. Prim was the one that got me to smile again. And Haymitch was the one that kept Finnick and Johanna in the loop when I didn't.

I ignore the fatigue of my muscles and focus on texting the right words. The time between the altercation in the kitchen and now I've spent calming down and using my old therapy techniques. I resolve myself to the fact that tomorrow will be better. That maybe in some strange way Peeta and I can find a shred of peace in our tangled past.

I know it's a long shot but I have to try.

So when I finally finish my response to my sister and tell her yes, everything is okay, it doesn't feel as much of a lie as it did before.

I glance at the clock.

11:59.

I shut my eyes and wait for the last minute.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you for reading!**

**To all the reviewers: sorry I didn't get to reply to you. But I really appreciate all your kind words and I always love to hear what you guys have to say :)**

**-Elli**


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